Until it happens to you...

I know I have posted about being a hypocrite before. Before I owned a house, got married (twice), and had children I judged people with the best of them. Does it make me a horrible person? No, only because I learned from my mistakes.

I taught elementary school children and couldn't understand why parents had such a hard time getting their kids to school on time. I certainly didn't understand why they didn't feed their kids before they brought them to school. How HORRIBLE they were! Right? WRONG! If having my own kids have taught me anything, it's that NOTHING goes the way it's supposed to go and there is NEVER enough money to cover everything we need to pay. Yes, kids throw fits in the morning about almost everything. Which makes them late to school. Sometimes we are late to somewhere just because those extra 5 minutes in bed just feels so damn good. As far as breakfast goes - I have one kid that eats from sun up to sun down. I have another one that eats only enough to keep surviving. Kids go to school really early. No wonder they don't want to eat until they get there. Or maybe, just maybe they really don't have money for food. It really happens. We've had weeks where we've only had 35 bucks for groceries. Those weeks sucked, but we survived. Until it happens to you, you don't understand. But, put yourself in their shoes.

Another thing I just realized is that cyber bullying is real. It might be something that is flat out rude or a nice picture with a "deeper meaning" that is meant to just demoralize others and how they live their lives. A friend of mine just found out that her 10 year old son what bullying people on the internet. She had NO idea. She deleted all accounts, took toys/phones away, and sat him down to explain to him why bullying was wrong. She had him watch an episode of Dr. Phil about bullying and then a video on the last girl that killed herself because of cyber bullying. I am so unbelievably PROUD of her as a parent! She has set a great example for her other kids and for us parents who will unfortunately have to deal with this at some point in our children's lives. However, there are people who have told her she's a bad parent because she didn't know what he was doing to begin with. REALLY?! Kids are sneaky. There is honestly not enough time in the day to keep tabs on them. Until it happens to you, you don't understand. But, put yourself in their shoes.

I feel that each day as a parent I learn more, see more, and experience more. I have become more sensitive to others through the trials that I have been through. I try to understand every point of view. Maybe it's my personality or how I was raised. However, I wasn't raised to judge people. That's not my job. People do things in their lives because they think that's the best for them or their families. All I can try to control is what happens to my family. I can try to sensor what my kids see or do. I say try to, because you never know what is going to happen. Nothing is promised to you.

My nephew was bullied continuously at his old school. Nothing was done. He's a really strong kid. He was able to understand that it wasn't his fault that he is different from others. He's in a school district that supports and roots for him now. However, there are kids out there that don't have that kind of support.

Oh, and bullies suck. Plain and simple. If you are berating someone because they are not just like you, think like you, or for any reason - your a bully. I've been that bully before. I totally sucked at one point. I learned though. All I ask is that you try to put yourself in others shoes, because unless you've been in their shoes - you have nothing to say!

Season of Thanks

November 1st marks the first official day of the season of thanks. Throughout the holidays everyone takes a moment to think of the things that they are most thankful for in their lives. Some small things and some large. My season of thanks started a little less then 6 months ago. We had a life changing moment happen which made us offer up thanks for the 2 beautiful, healthy girls we have & our love and support for each other. Nothing like tragedy to make your put your life into perspective.

I always said I wanted four kids. We compromised for 3 when we got married and then when we had two back to back, Miguel said I am good with 2, but if you want three then let's do it. As I sit here feeding my pregnant face with M&M cookies and Sprite I have had an Ah-Ha moment. This is actually my fourth child. So in a way, I am getting what I always dreamed of! Yes, I won't have four children to see go to kindergarten, graduate high school, get married, have kids - but I've had four kids. My body has held 4 beating hearts. Four babies that have changed my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and body. Oh, Lordy have they changed my body. (I now have the long mom butt)

Each day I have new things I worry about. Some are frivolous, like paying bills. Others are huge, as in how to raise children that are respectful and have amazing self-esteem. Luckily for me, I married the most laid back man ever! He always tells me, "We will be fine." Which sometimes makes me want to give him a titty twister, then other times it makes my heartbeat slow down and my armpits stop sweating. Oh man, my ADD has thrown me off course once again!

So today on November 1st - what am I thankful for? My four kids. The four kids that I have always wanted. The four kids that given me joy, sorrow, stretch marks, the ability to pee when I laugh or sneeze, patience, a long mom butt, & hugs and kisses.

Baby, Baby, Baby

After our heartbreaking lose in May, we are so EXCITED to announce that we are officially in the second trimester of our pregnancy! Losing a baby at anytime during pregnancy is a really horrible experience. One that can't be put into words. You feel so much despair, anger, and sadness. However, the Lord has blessed us with another little one to look forward to seeing grow!

This time around we still have a couple of challenges. My blood pressure has been okay, but they found out I have placenta previa (which is somewhat common). I am on a couple of restrictions and it may cause more problems after pregnancy then during but we are hoping and praying that everything turns out the way it is supposed to.

It's really hard to trust God blindly. I know that is the devil at work. The devil's job is to make you worry and think of what ifs. I am doing my best to fight the battle and believe that God has this plan that is going to reveal itself in the end to being the best possible. However, I am only human so sometimes it's a hard fight staying on the good side.

We bought a heartbeat droppler machine this time around. It gives me the best piece of mind to hear that baby's heartbeat each and every day. I have limited myself to once a day but for those minutes that i am laying down with 2 kids jumping around the bed singing and the dogs are running around barking, I am at ease.

Having children is one of the most incredible experiences that we are allowed to experience in this life. I am so fortunate to be able to have 2 amazing children already! I will never forget and always mourn that lose of our 3rd baby. The wonder of what it could have and would have become is forever a mystery.

With pregnancy in general emotions are extremely high and I cry all the time. I don't cry anymore for what was lost. I cry for the amazing blessings we already have. I cry about 25 times a day. Not scrunched face, nasty cry - the blurry eye, sniffling cry. I thank the Lord everyday for giving me this amazing man who is okay with eating leftovers and frozen meals while driving an almost 10 year old car so that I can stay home with our girls. I am thankful for 2 incredibly smart and sassy girls that make my day go by in the blink of an eye. I am thankful for a Nunna and Papa that help whenever we need it and love our girls fiercely. I am thankful for the little one we lose for the ability to connect with others that have lost and realize how really fortunate I am. Lastly, I am thankful for this little one growing in my belly. I am thankful for the morning puking to ease my daily fears that we might lose him/her. I am thankful for EVER.SINGLE.STRETCHMARK. How awesome are free tattoos?!

Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers during this incredible journey!

Things they don't tell you about toddlers...

There are certain things that people tell you about being pregnant. They don't always share in the gory, horrible details about the aches, pains, and actual happenings of having a child. People will ALWAYS give you their advice whether or not you ask for it. They mention the terrible 2's but it seems a breeze compared to what you hear about puberty. Let me tell you - it's not just the terrible 2's that you have to look out for. It starts as soon as they get the idea of walking = independence. They start exploring and testing....ah, the testing phase. Testing what, you ask? Testing every single fiber of your patience. I never thought I would barter with a toddler...boy was I WRONG!

Here are some things that people don't tell you about having toddlers in your life:

1. These crazed-ass darling children that you have given birth to suddenly get abducted by aliens anytime that you are in public.

2. NEVER paint anything white. White walls are a flashing billboard for crayon drawings. Point in case....all throughout our living room and hallways we painted navy blue on the top half of the walls and white on the bottom - this was before we had children. Now I wish we would have painted everything brown, dark brown.

3. You will cherish nap time. No matter how long or how not-often it happens. You will weep when it does happen.

4. You will repeat yourself 5,786,984,345 times about more things then you care to admit.

5. Be ready for your house to look like a tornado came through. I have actually picked up every single toy, stowed it in it's own bin/basket/box, then watched these monsters take things out and just throw them on the ground, while going for something at the bottom of said container.

6. You might get some entertainment out of those shows they watch. I like Good Luck Charlie....just sayin'.

7. Nothing goes as planned. Nothing. Seriously, nothing.

8. Meltdowns will most likely happen in public, where other dumb ass judgmental people that have been in the same position will shake their heads at you with a frown. Really people? You were in this same situation - bartering with a small child to just make it the rest of the way throw grocery shopping. Just be glad your beasts are grown now.

9. You stop worrying about the fact that your 2 year old will only eat pancakes every day for every meal because it means that she's actually eating. (Yes - they do on hunger strikes)

10. Little girls HATE getting their hair brushed.....maybe it's just mine - but sometimes I am tempted to let a bird fly into that rat's nest just to stop the crying.

11. Potty training is the pits. 4 out of 5 kids have hard time with this transition. I have thought about buying stock in adult diapers....cause it really is NOT worth the fight and struggle. We can approach that topic in another 6 months...always give yourself another 6 months.

12. They grow up way to fast. One day you will look at them sitting on the couch and think when did you get so damn big?

13. Once they learn how to, they will apologize for doing bad things.

14. They will learn something new everyday. It may be how to hop, draw a smiley face, or say their first curse word.

15. They will break your heart. Each. Day. They will change into these little people that think and feel (although don't express it in socially accepted ways). (heartbreaker) Their facial features change from a wrinkly, little worm to round, beautiful faces. (heartbreaker) They say things like, "I love you mama." just out of the blue. (heartbreaker) They walk up and give you hugs just because. (heartbreaker).

They will be the most frustrating, sweet, annoying, loving little people that you will ever deal with. They will amaze you while you pull your hair out. Toddlers are for real, real crazy. They will make you crazy, real crazy. However, you will be a better person because of them. You will realize that things aren't always so horrible. There is a rainbow in every rain cloud. Yet, you will cherish each and every dinner you get to eat warm, without crying!

Nails Schmails

I have been on the hunt for finding some great nail polish options that aren't too expensive, easy to use, and have a long wear life. Since falling off off the nail biting wagon once this year - I am back on track and haven't chewed these nails at all in the last 6 weeks!

I spent $45 smackers on different polishes, gel kits, and polish sticker applications. I have only had the chance to use one of them. This is the Sally Hansen Salon Effects. They are $10 (got them on sale $8) a pack (you get enough for 2 manicures). I put them on last Saturday. We are on day 5 and they still look great!

I must tell you that I am hell on wheels on my nails. I tap them, wash my hands 20+ times a day, do laundry, wash dishes, cook dinner, wipe butts, clean, and whatever else you can think of I do. Worse of all - I pick at them I have been picking at the ends (by my cuticle) for the past couple of days now and they haven't budged! I am amazed that I have been able to have this cute nail design for 5 days. It says they last for 10 and I am half way there so I can tell you by the start of next week if they really stay on for 10 days.

I just painted my nails with a Revlon Red color two days prior to applying these and it started rubbing off the second day. I have found that with top coat my nails seem to just get oily and the paint peels off in chunks. I did put a top coat over this and next time I might try and not just to see what happens. Although at 5 dollars a manicure...it might be more expensive then traditional polish but if it lasts, it might be worth it for once a month or so!

You can't make this shit up...

Today we had a fantastic day at the zoo. However, lots of walking & warm weather causes for little girls and mamas to be tired. Neither one of the girls napped more then 30 minutes today and that is always a recipe for disaster! When we got home I changed Bell and laid her down. Lilli was laying on the couch almost passed out, so I threw her in her bed too. I was sitting in the family room when I hear Bell yelling from her room. I got up, huffed out a breath, and went into her room. The closer I got to her the louder she laughed. I turned on her light and found out why. She took off her diaper and peed all over her bed and herself! GREAT!

So I get her up and throw her in the tub. I am washing her hair when I hear little pitter patter of feet. I turn around to see Lilli. (who should be napping) I say, "Hey pretty girl, wanna take a bath?" She says, "Okay mama." I get her undressed and start to take her diaper off to throw her in with Bell and she says, "Mama poo poo." I look in her diaper and say, "No, baby you didn't poo poo." And I throw her in. She immediately starts yelling, "POO POO!" I look at Bell and she's holding a turd. I about passed out. I grabbed toilet paper and threw that shit (literally) in the toilet. Then I saw another turd floating in the water...what the HELL ISABELLA?!?!?!

I get them both out and drain the water, spray down the tub, and start baths all over again. By this time Lilli is crying, "NO bath." Because, who wants to swim with turds? Isabella is still wishing she had that brown tootsie roll to play with...disgusting little kid. I get them all done, the pee laundry going, and Lilli poops. In her diaper - thank God! I put her on the changing table to clean her up and I see Charlie walk past me, look in the toy chest, pull out a lego and walk out with it. Really - dog STOP eating all the legos!!!

All the while I am typing this, Bella is eating; Rascal is waddling around barking; Charlie is somewhere destroying the lego; and Lilli is yelling she wants pancakes.....off to rope in the wild beast...may the force be with me!

What a wonderful world...

This Friday marks a month since we have lost our little one. Being able to write that and even think about what happened has become easier. I cried most of last week. I would be cleaning or folding laundry and I would just breakdown. Into that nasty, pinched face sobbing. Then I had a break through. I took the girls to the zoo by myself. Bravest thing I've done since I've gotten grocery shopping with them down pat. The zoo is such a larger place then the grocery store. However, they were perfect girls and we had blast. I realized while I was walking (with Bella on my hip, pushing a stroller, and keeping a trained eye on Lilli) that everything is going to be okay. It's completely okay to cry.

Standing there with the sun shining on my face, Lilli playing with the animal masks, and Bella hugging my hip - I felt the touch of the wind. It felt as if someone was just standing besides me and had their arm around me. I knew at that moment that God was there telling me that everything was going to be okay. Tears fell from my face and I smiled. He was telling me that he needed that baby and that he was holding him/her. He always will. I will never forget that sensation. As if I was one with everything. I could hear the kids playing at the playscape down the way. The colors were more vibrant and I could feel each bit of Bella. I squeezed her so tight. She laughed. It's always a game to her. A game to see who can squeeze tighter. Little does she know that I could squeeze onto her and never let her go. While my littles slept, I cried the entire way home. That was the last big cry I have had in over a week.

When my mind drifts off to what would have been, I tear up. Those tears are the good tears. The tears that are made of joy, gratefulness, heartbreak, and loss. You know those tears....we've all had them.

Through this life we learn many things. One - how good family is. I have these amazing children. Who tend to drive me crazy sometimes, but then I think...they're here...I can hold them and tell them I love them. My patience has gotten a better which makes everything much easier. My husband is an incredible human being. I can't even imagine how helpless he felt as I went through all the medical procedures and physical pain. He continually tells me, "I'm here if you need to talk." I am in awe of him. My mother...my poor mama - who didn't even realize how bad she wanted a third grand baby. She's been a good source of distraction and keeping me moving. My dad has dealt with this the worse I think. He was so heartbroken .... although he wouldn't let me see it - my mom told me. My brother and sister-in-law that shed tears across the country because we were in so much pain. My sister in Ohio that was going to drive 4 hours to just be with us.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. We have many friends who called hourly to see how we were doing. Lisa called the day we found out and her tear-filled message is still saved into my voicemail. Tiffanie talked me through everything...letting me know in nurse terms what was happening and why. Melinda made us dinner. Jackie brought us slurpees. Shauna sent me a cheer up cookie. Crystal (whom I haven't seen since high school) since me this beautiful card with a necklace. Tons of women in my Mommies Group prayed for us, thought of us, and mourned our loss. So many people have hugged me and said they were sorry. I have felt each and every word that they have said. This has changed me as a person. I guess that is one of the intentions. One of God's intentions to see the good that would come out of this baby going to heaven before I did.

Through all this....I have learned how good people are. People who don't even know you - but have been through this loss - hug you. I am not the only one. Unfortunately, I won't be the last. But know that no matter what...none of us are ever alone.