Thursday, April 19, 2012

Lordy, Lordy...where did I put my brain?

So, life has this funny way of putting your ass in check when you least expect it. My dear sweet Hubbs took my debit card out of my wallet to ILLEGALLY use it, which amazingly enough - whatever schister place he went to actually let him and he didn't put it back. He threw it on the dishwasher. Well me being the raving lunatic, chicken with my head cut off I am, I was getting ready to run out the door one day (way easier then it sounds) so I stuck it in the diaper bag. BAD IDEA! I completely forgot that it was in there and I went to stop and get some gas on my way home from school...pulled in the station - opened my wallet and whispered, "shit". I remembered that it was in the diaper bag. Luckily - I had 5 bucks left on my school refund card. I don't have any credit cards (way easier seeing that I had 3 debt consolidation loans by the time I was 21...hello dumbass!) and I didn't think that the future fuels place would take my Target Red Debit card.....I wish they would have though!
So I get gas and chant in my head, "Put your card in your wallet, put your card in your wallet" until I hear a song that I like and then that thought is dead and gone.

So here I am two days later - jammin' through Meijer (yes, people were looking at me because I was salsaing in the freezer section) getting my grocery shoppin' on and I stand in line...put all my items together to make sure that I get the right deals/prices...damn lean cuisines...I bought the wrong kind and didn't get the skinny cow free...WHAT THE CRAP! Any way...the girl who goes to my church is checking me out....she acts like she doesn't know me which is very unchurch like of her, since I know her crazy bitchy mom from working with her a while back...but whatever - so anyway I open my wallet and whisper, "shit" I forgot my fucking debit card AGAIN! Now I have groceries that are thawing and milk that is warming and I want to run my ass on carpet because I have swamp ass from dancing so much in the store. Hubbs is at home but both girls are sleeping so I know it is pointless to call him. So - I call my dear neighbor Kristen - who hasn't answered any of my damn calls all day...and she doesn't answer. I think..."she's avoiding me...we have wanted to play in her back yard and she's avoiding me." (I am a little crazy...she knows....) So I call my other neighbor Joyce and she answers and gets dressed and brings me my card. Lord, thank you so much for having us move into this house with great neighbors that brought me dozens of donuts when I was fat and pregnant and that bend over backwards for us!

While I was waiting for Joyce, Hubbs and I had a mini text war:

Me: This is your fault! You used my card last! :p

Hubbs: Sure I did and I put it in the diaper bag too huh...Right! Are you going to blame me for your hemorrhoid too?

Me: Yes! You are the one who got me pregnant!

Me: Your an asshole!

Hubbs: Your the one who opened your legs.

Always gotta turn it into some dirty shit!

So - what the hell was my point?! Oh, make sure you put back your shit ladies! Not that I don't have enough to worry about when I am packing up to go somewhere, like we are packing for the end of the fucking world. It seriously takes me 25 minutes to pack - diapers for Bella, diapers for Lilli, make sure there are wipes, one change of clothes for Lilli, two changes of clothes for Bella, cortizone cream incase Lilli's birthmark gets all itchy, bibs, burp rags, formula container (with formula in it!), bottles with water, chapstick, toys, my wallet, my phone, gas drops, Bella's zantac if we are going to be out during a dosage, snacks to keep Lilli quiet, more toys, Monk, extra Paci's. I have to make sure both girls are changed in fresh, clean clothes. Get shoes on Lilli and wrestle her ass into her jacket and clip a Paci on her so that she doesn't scream her fucking head off in the car. Get Bella who by this time is screaming her head off because I haven't been holding her for the last 15 minutes and she's pissed off. Then I get Bella in her seat, strap her ass in - shove a Paci in the side of the seat and put a blanket over her feet. I get Lilli back in her coat that she has taken off by wrestling her to the ground while Rascal is dancing around us like we are playing with him. I get Lilli's blanket, hand it to her, get the diaper bag on my shoulder, grab Bella (in her seat), tell Lilli "let's go bye-bye" in my excited mommy voice and open the door while fighting my big fat ass dog back so that he doesn't run out the door and get his stupid ass hit on Vreeland road. (he's ran out many times.) I set Bella's seat down on the postage stamp of a porch that we have and grab Lilli's hand as she is trying to walk out the door on her own like she is 15. All the while I am yelling "BACK,BACK!" (my neighbors probably think I am a fucking lunatic, which I really possibly could be) (stupid dog)...I manage to get the door shut, without the dog running for it, press the button to turn on the house alarm. Pick Bella back up and drag Lilli by the arm down the step and to the car. I put Bella on the ground and lift Lilli into her seat, lock her in, plug her mouth with Paci, put her blanket on her lap and she is good to go. Smiling with the Paci inbetween her teeth. I whip around to the other side to snap Bella's seat into the base and put the diaper bag in the car. Jump in the front seat and look back to make sure everyone is okay and I see Lilli holding Bella's hand...she always does that  :) little stinker...knows how to melt my heart and ease my frustration from getting out the door.

So, I wonder why I forgot to put my debit card back in my have it so easy...they SUCK!