Monday, February 27, 2012

Dear Loyal ROCK!

I have to say - when I started this little venture of a blog...and yes I'm not a dumb ass - I know it's only been a couple of months. (which is stretching it) I thought - well it will just be a place for me to vent about people who act like their lives are perfect while all the rest of us are going down in fucking flames, but I actually have a couple of readers! When I checked my little blog viewer thingy - it says I even have people who read it in Alaska and Europe! What the fuck?!! Who the hell wants to read about my life when Europeans have crazy wild unprotected sex and eat gourmet food at every meal? Yes - that is my opinion - not fact....well I just wanted to take a minute between wiping Bella's ass and stopping Lilli from playing in the toilet to say THANK YOU for taking a minute out of your day to read about my crazy ass life. I hope that it makes you smile and that you can relate your life to mine...and if you can't well - your probably better off anyway! :) Leave a comment if you have time - a little bit of encouragement can get my ass moving to post some more stories!! (Thanks Sarah!!)

Hubbs is on Weight Watchers...and I am watching my weight go up!ee

So, my Hubbs joined Weight Watchers about 3 1/2 weeks ago and has lost over 5 pounds!! Congrats Hubbs, congrats! I have made sure I am making things from scratch so that there isn't all the salt and preservatives in it, but I am buying him the frozen meals just to get him kick started. Plus, he usually gives himself just enough time to wash his ass, grab something from the freezer, then run off to work. (Mind you, he also got 2 tickets a couple of weeks ago for speeding!) OMG slow your ass down!!
Back to the weight I am so proud of him that he has lost over 5 pounds. I have made sure that we do not have cookies, ice cream, and all those tasty things in the house. I was all for grabbing on his coat tails and starting to lose weight too. That was, until I started my period - OMG....I have been having horrible cravings and could have killed someone yesterday for some rocky road ice cream, did I mention that I gave up caffeinated pop for lent. What the hell was I thinking? Oh, yeah - Jesus died for me, my fat ass could easily give up caffeinated pop. We I did great all week, drank lots of tea and water. And yes, people I realize there is caffeine in tea, I still need the caffeine, just not all the sugar. These kids usually let me sleep 4 or 5 hours a night. If I didn't drink some form of caffeine, I would probably pass out in the lazy boy and Lilli would have Bella in the toilet or something. 
So, yesterday we went out to lunch with a dear friend of mine who is getting married soon. I am in the wedding and Hubbs is DJing the shindig. I haven't seen her since my Pampered Chef party which was when I was 7 months pregnant and Bella is already 3 months. So we were driving to lunch as La Shish in Dearborn. Well, little did we know that the one we thought had reopened is no longer open and my friend was with her fiance at a different one across town. After a couple of phone calls and Hubbs asking what she saw around the restaurant we found out she was on the East side of Dearborn and we had about a 10 minute drive from where we were. Anyway - Hubbs - who usually drives like he is in the Indy 500 drove 5 under the entire way there. I was getting antsy about already being late, because he wanted to watch an episode of undercover boss, and the white in me HATES to be late. While the Mexican in him thinks 10 minutes late is really 5 minutes early. So I looked at him and said, "I really want to bust you in the face right now." He looked at me and said, "You need a pop." lmao...I really didn't realize how addicted to all the nasty, goodness that is in pop. I was jittery and wanted to slap the shit out of him all day. Until I got that pop. 
Now for all you catholics that are gasping, because yes I did have a pop...2 actually...but the rules of lent have changed and the Pope said that we can't have what we gave up on Sunday...and if you aren't going with the new trend - good for you - but keep your mouth shut about me, cause I'm gonna do it. Obviously, I am one weak ass individual if I could only stand 6 days without pop before I wanted to punch someone (namely Hubbs) in the face! 
Wow, once again - I have gone completely off topic - anyway. Watching and helping Hubbs go through this life change has become really hard for me. I never realized all the shit that I ate. I am hungry all the damn time. It doesn't help that I haven't grocery shopped in over a week and a half and we have nothing to eat in the house. And to top off all the hunger craze and thinking about when and what I will eat next, I have gained 2 pounds since I have had Isabella. Now - to make my fat ass feel better, I am still down 8 pounds from my pre-Lilli pregnancy weight - but come on now...can a fat girl get under 230?! Forget that- just get me to 235 and let me stay there. Damn...I feel like I have been the same weight since high school. And I wasn't thin in high school...not at all - On top of that, now that I have popped out 2 kids Mother Nature has done this really fucked up thing, she has shrunken my hips and ass into a smaller size jean, but she has given me this forsaken muffin top that sits so nicely on top of those smaller jeans. I have totally taken a liking to "mom jeans" and I realize the reason for them and the reason for their name. There is no way in hell that you would have this glorious muffin top unless you got to bring in a wonderful creation of a child. I did do yoga and Pilate's for a couple of weeks, but then it was just too easy to go to bed at 9 pm after an exhausting day of screaming, ass wiping, and throw up. 
Then, I think - hey - I brought these 2 amazing ass kids into this world that make people happy and that I love more then life itself. Who the hell cares what I look like. I can wear a size smaller jean...and if pull them bad boys up far enough (not far enough for camel toe) then I can somewhat hide the muffin top. I have to admit, when I am out and about - I look for the moms with the muffin tops. I check to make sure that it doesn't look too bad. And most the time - it's not horrible, as long as they are making the muffin top look fashionable. And yes- if you are my friend and you have kids...I have checked out your muffin top too...don't feel bad - at least I am doing it to embrace my own! 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Time flies when your having fun...

Last week I was crazy obsessed with this damn blog..what the hell happened? Oh, life - that's what happened. Isn't it funny when you are waiting to get out of something (say....a boring ass class or waiting your turn at the Sec. of State) time slowly ticks by. The more you look at your watch the more pissed off you get, because only 2 fucking minutes have passed when it felt like 2 hours! I have this happen often...I think only because I still am attending school (which I will continue to attend until my last breath so I don't have to start paying back my loans because those payments will be a thousand fucking dollars a month). I sit in class antsy as all get out and shake my leg in anticipation that the professor will let us out even 3 minutes early. My dumbass took a Saturday class this semester, which is even harder...I don't know why seeing that I work from home (lol) so every day is a weekend, right? Yeah.fucking.right. 

I do have lots of these moments when my ADD is kicking in and I have the energy of a 2 year old and I feel like I am jumping out of my skin, however, these times do not surpass the time that I feel is slipping through my hands. Time that has vanished that I will never be able to get back. Like the fact that I have been with my Hubbs for 6 years...holy shit...6 years - I never thought I would be able to stand someone's morning breath for that long. I guess he must have something over me..some kinda spell...or maybe it's the fact that we still have AMAZING sexy time. (Yes, even fat people can have AMAZING sexy might not look amazing...but it is.) Or the fact that I have a 15 month old...WHAT you say Willis?! A 15 month that is even possible I have no idea...I still feel like I am 24..(not after the sexy time...then I feel like I am 65.) I looked in my rear view mirror on Monday and saw my little girl sitting in her big girl seat eating pretzels and drinking from her sippy cup and I teared up. I can't believe how much of her little life has already passed how all the things that she has learned. I get emotional just thinking about it. Realizing that one day she is going to be a teenager driving me crazy and pissing me off, stay out past her curfew, tell me she hates me, become an adult, move away (no more then an hour), fall in love, make mistakes, and grow old. She has already changed so much in 15 months....I can't imagine how much she will change in 15 years! 

Then I have Isabella who I feel like was just born last week (at least my left over baby fat is telling me this is when it happened). How in the world is she already 3 months old?! I remember not being able to see her for 24 hours because they had me on that fucking magnesium because of my stupid ass blood pressure and finally getting wheeled into the NICU to see her attached to all kinds of sensors, a breathing tube, and a feeding tube, looking a lot like a clone of Lilliana. Now she still has her feeding issues (with that damn reflux) but she has changed from a Lilli twin to looking like my dad and hubbs mated and produced the most beautiful girl with the biggest ass cheeks in America. 

I don't know where the fun time goes...I take as many pictures and videos as possible because I know that one day my memories will be cloudy and I won't remember just how much damn hair Lilli had when she was a baby or how I felt when Isabella would look at me and coo forever just to hear my voice. These are moments that I will never get to replay physically - so I feel I must capture as much as I can while I still remember. We were just looking at pictures and videos of Lilliana this morning. She has changed so much. She used to be so fucking she is a skinny one year old that you can't even get to lay down to change her diaper without doing a sumo wrestling move on her. 

Sorry for all the emotionality this morning....I am going to get my IUD in today...(I know TMI, but if you didn't know that I would go to that extent..then get the hell off this blog) and I know that I won't hold another newborn (that is mine) in my arms for probably a couple of years. It's funny you forget all the shit that happens at the end of pregnancy because these damn kids are just so awesome. Even when they poop it's funny...(Isabella is making the biggest grunting noises right now...awww..poop..that I will have to wipe out of her ass) I told you - I wipe asses all day long! Well...time to the smell in my nose I have a diaper to change!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Homemade Chocolate Covered Pretzels...ok - semi-homemade, but only because I don't know how to make chocolate or have the ingredients to make pretzels at home!

Ok - this is just a posting of my daily dose of domesticated abilities. I bought WAY too much Dove chocolate so I decided to make chocolate covered pretzels.

I am sure there was a much easier way of making them. I did the double boiler thingy with a pot and glass bowl which was easy enough to figure out. I mean how many dumb asses cannot boil water with a bowl over the top. I proceeded to throw in the chocolates and as they began to melt, I thought - how the hell am I going to get these pretzels in this hot ass melted chocolate, flip it to coat the other side, then onto the wax paper to dry? So - I got out our BBQ tongs and went to work. Only my stupid ass grabbed the metal ones. They heated up real quick but I worked as fast as my portly ass would go and got them all done. Mind you I was sweating and swearing (in my head because Lilli was snacking close by) at the end but they were all covered.

No you couldn't not see any of the holes...but let's just say that they have a little bit of extra chocolate for free! I then melted white chocolate in a bowl in the microwave...why I didn't do this with the regular chocolate, don't fucking ask me! I wanted to be all Martha Stewart and shit. Maybe I should have asked Martha how to not burn the hair off my arm while working over a double boiler. Any who...I got Lilli and let her drizzle the white chocolate over the pretzels with a fork, only I wasn't really paying attention because I was busy with Isabella in the bouncer and I looked over and Lilli had the fork of white chocolate in her mouth. I rolled my eyes and grabbed her hand and helped her with the rest. No, I didn't use a clean you have been warned if you come over my house and eat some chocolate covered pretzels...they have Lilli spit in them.

So now they are cooling and I shall try them later...I can't wait for Lilli to taste them when the chocolate is actually on the pretzels!

Motherhood changes everything...yes I am a hypocrite!

As I laid in bed last night discussing my new blog with the hubbs, we talked about my future (as in career - whatever that is!)

Me: I think I want to be an author. I would love to write books and sell them, but I don't think I'm smart enough.

Hubbs: Jenny McCarthy write books, if she can do it, you can.

Me: (In my head) For real, did he just compare me to Jenny McCarthy? He must be blind! (out of my mouth) Yeah, I guess your right. (It's funny how in our messed up minds, we can twist the things our loved ones say around!)

I always thought I had my career path set and would be teaching for the rest of my life, or at least long enough to get a nice pension...which I found out doesn't happen in education - because we shape the minds of this world but we are paid shit. As in shit, most teachers are living below the poverty line - (which includes me) and are paying back a bazillion dollars back in student loans because the government requires you to get degree upon degree upon extra learning shit in order to keep your teaching certificate. See...this ADD is going to totally fuck up my dream of becoming a writer..I am already wayyyyy off topic.

So in thinking about how my dreams have changed, I thought about how everything else in my life has changed. I no longer am bathed and ready for the day by 8 am. Which isn't always a bad thing, until you have to be to the doctors in 20 minutes and neither kid is sleeping and both are screaming about something and the dog is biting your ankle because he is trying to herd your ass from one room to another. (We have a Pembroke Welsh Corgi, that shit head should have a whole blog written just about him...he's so cool he has his own Facebook page - check him out Rascal Angel) I see my husband as a wonderful dad as well as a hunky piece of ass. It takes me 30 minutes to get ready to go anywhere. I have certified bags under my eyes 24/7 even if I have had an adequate amount of sleep. My body has completely changed shape...that's a topic for another time! One thing is for sure...I have become a hypocrite...and even hypacrasize (not a word) myself all the time...oh I guess I could just say I contradict myself...but making up a word a hell of a lot more fun!

Then I think of all the disgusting nasty things I do that I don't find disgusting anymore. Like how I just wiped Isabella's mouth because she spit up some of her Zantac and then I wiped my eyebrow and felt the cool, tingly feeling of Zantac on my eyebrow...which I proceeded to not wipe off. I wipe butts all day. Lilliana's, Isabella's, mine, and occasionally Rascal's when he's having a bad day. I've had shit under my fingernails on my clothes and I even went to Meijer yesterday and grocery shopped with dried throw up on my shoulder. (Not noticing that Isabella had puked on me until I was in the check out lane....nice - real fucking nice!)

I have also become the biggest schmuckiest (so not a word) hypocrite ever. When you become a parent for the first time you want everything to be perfect...and I mean seriously perfect. You obsess about your child wearing clothes that may have a drop of spit on it and change their clothes 100 times a day. You pay extra detail to make sure they are not putting anything in their mouths and that people are not touching them or that they washed their hands when they are. Let me tell you -  this doesn't last for long...or maybe it's because I was pregnant back-to-back, but shit changes. You realize that them licking the floor isn't going to give them some horrible stomach virus that is going to make them shit their brains out for a week. You also start giving them things that will make your life easier and shut their pretty little mouths up. Perfect example is, my desire to be still be a part of society and go out to eat with my munchkins. When Lilli was around 8 months I started her on whole milk  (yeah, yeah - to each his own!). When we would go out to lunch or dinner I would get her chocolate milk and give her it in a bottle and she would just sit there happily sucking for the entire time we ate. It was BEAUTIFUL!! 

Before I had these two beautiful, wonderful children (I really do love them, but have to keep my sanity by joking around or else I would crawl up into the fetal position and cry from lack of sleep and the abundant amount of craziness I live in.) I was the adult that said, "Look at that kid with the pacifier in their mouth. What the hell is their parents thinking? Why does that kid still have a bottle? Oh, my kids will NEVER do that?" Yeah.fucking.right. The minute I got pregnant we (when I say we - I actually mean me) decided to use a pacifier. (We now affectionately call them Paci - Yes it's capitalized because if it gets lost - it's like one of my children have gone missing in the middle of Walmart and we frantically run around the house calling out "Paci" when we can't find one of those fuckers.) Reason behind our decision to use a Paci is because I sucked my thumb until I was 13 or 14. My sister-in-law still sucks her thumb at like 35! Yes, I said 35 - and she does it in front of people and isn't sorry about it- hey whatever gets you through the day, her vice could be drugs or alcohol so the thumb is an excellent alternative. So we opted for the Paci. 

Lilliana is that one year old (that is the size of a two year old) that sits in the cart at Target with her Paci in her mouth enjoying the cart ride. I don't give a rats ass what people think. When they say - "What are you doing with that pacifier? You don't need that thing!" (they say it in a tone that tricks you into feeling like they are being friendly but really their judging your ass, saying what kind of fucking parent are you?) Well, all I have to say is maybe our world wouldn't be so fucked up if we all had a Paci. Just sayin - is sucking on a pacifier that bad? It's not like I am going to let her walk down the isle with it in her mouth. I'll pull it out right before her dad walks her down! (he he) The only thing negative I have to say about Paci is that when Lilliana was just getting attached to it, we had issues while she was sleeping. It would fall out of her mouth and she would scream for it until we got up and ran in there and popped it back in her mouth. This happened about 5 to 8 times a night for about 4 months until she learned how to put it in her own mouth. 

My beautiful girl on Christmas Morning

Since we have had Isabella we have tried to get her to take the Paci. We are having an easier time then we did with Lilliana (who acted like the Paci was 700 friggin pounds and couldn't keep it in her mouth unless you held your finger in the hole). She is taking to it, but I catch her sucking on her thumb about twice a day. Now - knowing how I felt about sucking thumbs the first time around, you would think that hearing her suck her thumb made my heart race and sweat form under my arms (anyone that knows me knows I am a total control freak). However, I think that after many sleepless nights, constant throwing up for the first 6 months of both pregnancies, and many diapers later - I just don't care. Not that I am saying fuck it - she can do what she wants...but I mean do I really want to get up 8 times a night again for 4 months just to put the Paci back in her mouth? Or is sucking her thumb okay - I eventually grew out of it...yeah eventually. Maybe I am just being a lazy mom, or it's just the evolution of motherhood that has made me into more lassez-faire. (Yes, using French words makes letting my kid suck her thumb sound more diplomatic).
There's Paci...hanging from her shirt - always close by!

So we (once again I say we but I mean me because Miguel couldn't give a rat's ass) are giving Lilli until 2 and then ripping her Paci away from her. I am pretty sure that it's going to be horrible because I will be used to sleeping through the night by then and then it's going to fuck up our sleep again and with one screaming and yelling in one room, will for sure wake the other one up!

However, the whole entire fucking point of this blog was to point out that I have become the biggest hypocrite in the whole world. I am no longer that non-understanding adult that thinks I know better then everyone else. I am the parent that lets their kid drink cow's milk early, share her bottle with the dog, eat 3 cookies in a row, and have a Paci that we will probably have to bury in the back yard in order to get Lilli off of it. My new motto: Don't knock it until you try it...unless it's drugs of course cause drugs just suck!

Shut the fuck up! Right as I am finishing this blog Sesame Street has Curly Bear who wants to give up her binkie...what the hell?! It's an epidemic  - that makes me feel better :)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Paula Dean, eat your heart out...and yes my husband is trying this shit even if it isn't edible!

So, I decided with all this free time on my hands (yeah fucking right, like chasing after 1 small kid, while trying to please a crying 3 month old isn't busy enough!) I would start making things from scratch. What the hell was I thinking?! This Friday is my fabulous husband's birthday. 
I made vanilla cupcakes and the batter seemed really thick - compared to the yummy tasting (but artificial shit filled) box cake mixes. I said to my husband, "This batter seems really thick." He replies, "It's cake mix." Like he's Guy fucking Fieri and has taught the Cake Boss all he knows. So I fill up the little paper cup thingys and sit and watch. Well I guess I should have gone all Betty Crocker before I made these things to read that I should have only filled up the cup thingys a little less then half way. All of the sudden these cupcakes turned into the size of the damn muffins at Dunkin Donuts! When I thought they were done. (I guess I didn't pay attention in Home Ec when they taught us about cakes cause who the hell knows that cakes continues to cook after you take them out of the damn oven?!) I waited until they were a little golden brown. Well bad mistake dumbass, because after I took them out they got hard around the edges and were more like this gigantic ass corn muffin because the tops were so hard and crunchy. 
I searched and searched for a nice, fluffy vanilla frosting (yes, my hubby wanted white on would think he had enough white in his life, living with me...but I guess not!) So I read all these recipes and thought well that will take forever! So, I picked the recipe with the smallest amount of ingredients and the least amount of work. (Because I did slave over the crock pot all day making Hawaiian BBQ chicken) Where was I? Damn ADD - oh yeah the frosting - so I made this frosting which started out looking like Dip n Dots but ended up looking like frosting.
After frosting one, the anticipation of my husband eating this cupcake made my belly twist and turn because my husband was raised on amazing ass food that his dad cooked and the best Mexican cakes out there. He will try anything and eats some of the grossest shit I have ever seen or smelled. But from what the cooking shows say - it's all amazing. So I took a cupcakes over to him while he lounged with our youngest sleeping on his chest. I handed him the cupcake like it was the fucking holy grail and sat on the step down into our family room and watched him take the wrapper off. I thought - what if cupcake is the worst thing his has ever tasted? Not, that that could be possible since he has eaten cow tongue and intestines, and other shit I would never even dream of eating or making you eat! He took a bite out of it and said, "It's good." Like I had just told him some old ass joke that I had told (and messed up) a hundred and fifty times. For real?! I have lived in this world for 30 fucking years and it's my first homemade cupcake!!! I expected him to smash it all over his face and lick his fingers after. He did however, eat a second one - but I don't know if that really counts because he's on Weight Watchers so he eats like a damn bird now. It probably was like the equivalent of going out on a date and realizing you have stinky breath and digging in your purse until you find that one piece of gum that has been there for months (maybe even years - don't even lie to yourself - who actually deep cleans their purses when you change them?!). It's that piece that the wrapper is slightly torn off so there are little black dots on them and it's so smashed that getting the wrapper off completely is not happening. When you do try the wrapper sticks to just a little bit of the gum and you brush off the lint and tiny black spots, the best you can and pop that shit in your mouth and grin as you feel the grit in it. Yeah - that's probably what it was like for him. 
So I decided to test it out - and to my surprise (aside for the crunchy top) it was edible. It wasn't horrible, although I thought I could taste the exact amount of vanilla I put in it. (I bought the good shit too, not the fake imitation shit) Then I took my second bite and had to put my mouth under the water faucet because it was so dense. Holy cow! You for sure need to have some milk with those babies! 
In all seriousness. They weren't horrible, horrible - but I don't know if I will make them again. The frosting wasn't so bad either - but I they weren't good enough to fill my fat face up with - so I am sending them to work tomorrow with up VZW!