Friday, June 14, 2013

You can't make this shit up...

Today we had a fantastic day at the zoo. However, lots of walking & warm weather causes for little girls and mamas to be tired. Neither one of the girls napped more then 30 minutes today and that is always a recipe for disaster! When we got home I changed Bell and laid her down. Lilli was laying on the couch almost passed out, so I threw her in her bed too. I was sitting in the family room when I hear Bell yelling from her room. I got up, huffed out a breath, and went into her room. The closer I got to her the louder she laughed. I turned on her light and found out why. She took off her diaper and peed all over her bed and herself! GREAT!

So I get her up and throw her in the tub. I am washing her hair when I hear little pitter patter of feet. I turn around to see Lilli. (who should be napping) I say, "Hey pretty girl, wanna take a bath?" She says, "Okay mama." I get her undressed and start to take her diaper off to throw her in with Bell and she says, "Mama poo poo." I look in her diaper and say, "No, baby you didn't poo poo." And I throw her in. She immediately starts yelling, "POO POO!" I look at Bell and she's holding a turd. I about passed out. I grabbed toilet paper and threw that shit (literally) in the toilet. Then I saw another turd floating in the water...what the HELL ISABELLA?!?!?!

I get them both out and drain the water, spray down the tub, and start baths all over again. By this time Lilli is crying, "NO bath." Because, who wants to swim with turds? Isabella is still wishing she had that brown tootsie roll to play with...disgusting little kid. I get them all done, the pee laundry going, and Lilli poops. In her diaper - thank God! I put her on the changing table to clean her up and I see Charlie walk past me, look in the toy chest, pull out a lego and walk out with it. Really - dog STOP eating all the legos!!!

All the while I am typing this, Bella is eating; Rascal is waddling around barking; Charlie is somewhere destroying the lego; and Lilli is yelling she wants to rope in the wild beast...may the force be with me!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

What a wonderful world...

This Friday marks a month since we have lost our little one. Being able to write that and even think about what happened has become easier. I cried most of last week. I would be cleaning or folding laundry and I would just breakdown. Into that nasty, pinched face sobbing. Then I had a break through. I took the girls to the zoo by myself. Bravest thing I've done since I've gotten grocery shopping with them down pat. The zoo is such a larger place then the grocery store. However, they were perfect girls and we had blast. I realized while I was walking (with Bella on my hip, pushing a stroller, and keeping a trained eye on Lilli) that everything is going to be okay. It's completely okay to cry.

Standing there with the sun shining on my face, Lilli playing with the animal masks, and Bella hugging my hip - I felt the touch of the wind. It felt as if someone was just standing besides me and had their arm around me. I knew at that moment that God was there telling me that everything was going to be okay. Tears fell from my face and I smiled. He was telling me that he needed that baby and that he was holding him/her. He always will. I will never forget that sensation. As if I was one with everything. I could hear the kids playing at the playscape down the way. The colors were more vibrant and I could feel each bit of Bella. I squeezed her so tight. She laughed. It's always a game to her. A game to see who can squeeze tighter. Little does she know that I could squeeze onto her and never let her go. While my littles slept, I cried the entire way home. That was the last big cry I have had in over a week.

When my mind drifts off to what would have been, I tear up. Those tears are the good tears. The tears that are made of joy, gratefulness, heartbreak, and loss. You know those tears....we've all had them.

Through this life we learn many things. One - how good family is. I have these amazing children. Who tend to drive me crazy sometimes, but then I think...they're here...I can hold them and tell them I love them. My patience has gotten a better which makes everything much easier. My husband is an incredible human being. I can't even imagine how helpless he felt as I went through all the medical procedures and physical pain. He continually tells me, "I'm here if you need to talk." I am in awe of him. My poor mama - who didn't even realize how bad she wanted a third grand baby. She's been a good source of distraction and keeping me moving. My dad has dealt with this the worse I think. He was so heartbroken .... although he wouldn't let me see it - my mom told me. My brother and sister-in-law that shed tears across the country because we were in so much pain. My sister in Ohio that was going to drive 4 hours to just be with us.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. We have many friends who called hourly to see how we were doing. Lisa called the day we found out and her tear-filled message is still saved into my voicemail. Tiffanie talked me through everything...letting me know in nurse terms what was happening and why. Melinda made us dinner. Jackie brought us slurpees. Shauna sent me a cheer up cookie. Crystal (whom I haven't seen since high school) since me this beautiful card with a necklace. Tons of women in my Mommies Group prayed for us, thought of us, and mourned our loss. So many people have hugged me and said they were sorry. I have felt each and every word that they have said. This has changed me as a person. I guess that is one of the intentions. One of God's intentions to see the good that would come out of this baby going to heaven before I did.

Through all this....I have learned how good people are. People who don't even know you - but have been through this loss - hug you. I am not the only one. Unfortunately, I won't be the last. But know that no matter what...none of us are ever alone.