This Friday marks a month since we have lost our little one. Being able to write that and even think about what happened has become easier. I cried most of last week. I would be cleaning or folding laundry and I would just breakdown. Into that nasty, pinched face sobbing. Then I had a break through. I took the girls to the zoo by myself. Bravest thing I've done since I've gotten grocery shopping with them down pat. The zoo is such a larger place then the grocery store. However, they were perfect girls and we had blast. I realized while I was walking (with Bella on my hip, pushing a stroller, and keeping a trained eye on Lilli) that everything is going to be okay. It's completely okay to cry.
Standing there with the sun shining on my face, Lilli playing with the animal masks, and Bella hugging my hip - I felt the touch of the wind. It felt as if someone was just standing besides me and had their arm around me. I knew at that moment that God was there telling me that everything was going to be okay. Tears fell from my face and I smiled. He was telling me that he needed that baby and that he was holding him/her. He always will. I will never forget that sensation. As if I was one with everything. I could hear the kids playing at the playscape down the way. The colors were more vibrant and I could feel each bit of Bella. I squeezed her so tight. She laughed. It's always a game to her. A game to see who can squeeze tighter. Little does she know that I could squeeze onto her and never let her go. While my littles slept, I cried the entire way home. That was the last big cry I have had in over a week.
When my mind drifts off to what would have been, I tear up. Those tears are the good tears. The tears that are made of joy, gratefulness, heartbreak, and loss. You know those tears....we've all had them.
Through this life we learn many things. One - how good family is. I have these amazing children. Who tend to drive me crazy sometimes, but then I think...they're here...I can hold them and tell them I love them. My patience has gotten a better which makes everything much easier. My husband is an incredible human being. I can't even imagine how helpless he felt as I went through all the medical procedures and physical pain. He continually tells me, "I'm here if you need to talk." I am in awe of him. My mother...my poor mama - who didn't even realize how bad she wanted a third grand baby. She's been a good source of distraction and keeping me moving. My dad has dealt with this the worse I think. He was so heartbroken .... although he wouldn't let me see it - my mom told me. My brother and sister-in-law that shed tears across the country because we were in so much pain. My sister in Ohio that was going to drive 4 hours to just be with us.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. We have many friends who called hourly to see how we were doing. Lisa called the day we found out and her tear-filled message is still saved into my voicemail. Tiffanie talked me through everything...letting me know in nurse terms what was happening and why. Melinda made us dinner. Jackie brought us slurpees. Shauna sent me a cheer up cookie. Crystal (whom I haven't seen since high school) since me this beautiful card with a necklace. Tons of women in my Mommies Group prayed for us, thought of us, and mourned our loss. So many people have hugged me and said they were sorry. I have felt each and every word that they have said. This has changed me as a person. I guess that is one of the intentions. One of God's intentions to see the good that would come out of this baby going to heaven before I did.
Through all this....I have learned how good people are. People who don't even know you - but have been through this loss - hug you. I am not the only one. Unfortunately, I won't be the last. But know that no matter what...none of us are ever alone.