Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Paula Dean, eat your heart out...and yes my husband is trying this shit even if it isn't edible!

So, I decided with all this free time on my hands (yeah fucking right, like chasing after 1 small kid, while trying to please a crying 3 month old isn't busy enough!) I would start making things from scratch. What the hell was I thinking?! This Friday is my fabulous husband's birthday. 
I made vanilla cupcakes and the batter seemed really thick - compared to the yummy tasting (but artificial shit filled) box cake mixes. I said to my husband, "This batter seems really thick." He replies, "It's cake mix." Like he's Guy fucking Fieri and has taught the Cake Boss all he knows. So I fill up the little paper cup thingys and sit and watch. Well I guess I should have gone all Betty Crocker before I made these things to read that I should have only filled up the cup thingys a little less then half way. All of the sudden these cupcakes turned into the size of the damn muffins at Dunkin Donuts! When I thought they were done. (I guess I didn't pay attention in Home Ec when they taught us about cakes cause who the hell knows that cakes continues to cook after you take them out of the damn oven?!) I waited until they were a little golden brown. Well bad mistake dumbass, because after I took them out they got hard around the edges and were more like this gigantic ass corn muffin because the tops were so hard and crunchy. 
I searched and searched for a nice, fluffy vanilla frosting (yes, my hubby wanted white on would think he had enough white in his life, living with me...but I guess not!) So I read all these recipes and thought well that will take forever! So, I picked the recipe with the smallest amount of ingredients and the least amount of work. (Because I did slave over the crock pot all day making Hawaiian BBQ chicken) Where was I? Damn ADD - oh yeah the frosting - so I made this frosting which started out looking like Dip n Dots but ended up looking like frosting.
After frosting one, the anticipation of my husband eating this cupcake made my belly twist and turn because my husband was raised on amazing ass food that his dad cooked and the best Mexican cakes out there. He will try anything and eats some of the grossest shit I have ever seen or smelled. But from what the cooking shows say - it's all amazing. So I took a cupcakes over to him while he lounged with our youngest sleeping on his chest. I handed him the cupcake like it was the fucking holy grail and sat on the step down into our family room and watched him take the wrapper off. I thought - what if cupcake is the worst thing his has ever tasted? Not, that that could be possible since he has eaten cow tongue and intestines, and other shit I would never even dream of eating or making you eat! He took a bite out of it and said, "It's good." Like I had just told him some old ass joke that I had told (and messed up) a hundred and fifty times. For real?! I have lived in this world for 30 fucking years and it's my first homemade cupcake!!! I expected him to smash it all over his face and lick his fingers after. He did however, eat a second one - but I don't know if that really counts because he's on Weight Watchers so he eats like a damn bird now. It probably was like the equivalent of going out on a date and realizing you have stinky breath and digging in your purse until you find that one piece of gum that has been there for months (maybe even years - don't even lie to yourself - who actually deep cleans their purses when you change them?!). It's that piece that the wrapper is slightly torn off so there are little black dots on them and it's so smashed that getting the wrapper off completely is not happening. When you do try the wrapper sticks to just a little bit of the gum and you brush off the lint and tiny black spots, the best you can and pop that shit in your mouth and grin as you feel the grit in it. Yeah - that's probably what it was like for him. 
So I decided to test it out - and to my surprise (aside for the crunchy top) it was edible. It wasn't horrible, although I thought I could taste the exact amount of vanilla I put in it. (I bought the good shit too, not the fake imitation shit) Then I took my second bite and had to put my mouth under the water faucet because it was so dense. Holy cow! You for sure need to have some milk with those babies! 
In all seriousness. They weren't horrible, horrible - but I don't know if I will make them again. The frosting wasn't so bad either - but I they weren't good enough to fill my fat face up with - so I am sending them to work tomorrow with up VZW!

1 comment:

  1. So I found a recipe that made the cake WAY lighter, but my dumbass only put vanilla extract in it when it called for vanilla and almond and didn't double the they were kinda buscuity...done with cake until next week..I shall put the appropriate amount of vanilla in it next time and hopefully I will have a recipe to die for!