Me: I think I want to be an author. I would love to write books and sell them, but I don't think I'm smart enough.
Hubbs: Jenny McCarthy write books, if she can do it, you can.
Me: (In my head) For real, did he just compare me to Jenny McCarthy? He must be blind! (out of my mouth) Yeah, I guess your right. (It's funny how in our messed up minds, we can twist the things our loved ones say around!)
I always thought I had my career path set and would be teaching for the rest of my life, or at least long enough to get a nice pension...which I found out doesn't happen in education - because we shape the minds of this world but we are paid shit. As in shit, most teachers are living below the poverty line - (which includes me) and are paying back a bazillion dollars back in student loans because the government requires you to get degree upon degree upon extra learning shit in order to keep your teaching certificate. See...this ADD is going to totally fuck up my dream of becoming a writer..I am already wayyyyy off topic.
So in thinking about how my dreams have changed, I thought about how everything else in my life has changed. I no longer am bathed and ready for the day by 8 am. Which isn't always a bad thing, until you have to be to the doctors in 20 minutes and neither kid is sleeping and both are screaming about something and the dog is biting your ankle because he is trying to herd your ass from one room to another. (We have a Pembroke Welsh Corgi, that shit head should have a whole blog written just about him...he's so cool he has his own Facebook page - check him out Rascal Angel) I see my husband as a wonderful dad as well as a hunky piece of ass. It takes me 30 minutes to get ready to go anywhere. I have certified bags under my eyes 24/7 even if I have had an adequate amount of sleep. My body has completely changed shape...that's a topic for another time! One thing is for sure...I have become a hypocrite...and even hypacrasize (not a word) myself all the time...oh I guess I could just say I contradict myself...but making up a word a hell of a lot more fun!
Then I think of all the disgusting nasty things I do that I don't find disgusting anymore. Like how I just wiped Isabella's mouth because she spit up some of her Zantac and then I wiped my eyebrow and felt the cool, tingly feeling of Zantac on my eyebrow...which I proceeded to not wipe off. I wipe butts all day. Lilliana's, Isabella's, mine, and occasionally Rascal's when he's having a bad day. I've had shit under my fingernails on my clothes and I even went to Meijer yesterday and grocery shopped with dried throw up on my shoulder. (Not noticing that Isabella had puked on me until I was in the check out lane....nice - real fucking nice!)
I have also become the biggest schmuckiest (so not a word) hypocrite ever. When you become a parent for the first time you want everything to be perfect...and I mean seriously perfect. You obsess about your child wearing clothes that may have a drop of spit on it and change their clothes 100 times a day. You pay extra detail to make sure they are not putting anything in their mouths and that people are not touching them or that they washed their hands when they are. Let me tell you - this doesn't last for long...or maybe it's because I was pregnant back-to-back, but shit changes. You realize that them licking the floor isn't going to give them some horrible stomach virus that is going to make them shit their brains out for a week. You also start giving them things that will make your life easier and shut their pretty little mouths up. Perfect example is, my desire to be still be a part of society and go out to eat with my munchkins. When Lilli was around 8 months I started her on whole milk (yeah, yeah - to each his own!). When we would go out to lunch or dinner I would get her chocolate milk and give her it in a bottle and she would just sit there happily sucking for the entire time we ate. It was BEAUTIFUL!!
Before I had these two beautiful, wonderful children (I really do love them, but have to keep my sanity by joking around or else I would crawl up into the fetal position and cry from lack of sleep and the abundant amount of craziness I live in.) I was the adult that said, "Look at that kid with the pacifier in their mouth. What the hell is their parents thinking? Why does that kid still have a bottle? Oh, my kids will NEVER do that?" Yeah.fucking.right. The minute I got pregnant we (when I say we - I actually mean me) decided to use a pacifier. (We now affectionately call them Paci - Yes it's capitalized because if it gets lost - it's like one of my children have gone missing in the middle of Walmart and we frantically run around the house calling out "Paci" when we can't find one of those fuckers.) Reason behind our decision to use a Paci is because I sucked my thumb until I was 13 or 14. My sister-in-law still sucks her thumb at like 35! Yes, I said 35 - and she does it in front of people and isn't sorry about it- hey whatever gets you through the day, her vice could be drugs or alcohol so the thumb is an excellent alternative. So we opted for the Paci.
Lilliana is that one year old (that is the size of a two year old) that sits in the cart at Target with her Paci in her mouth enjoying the cart ride. I don't give a rats ass what people think. When they say - "What are you doing with that pacifier? You don't need that thing!" (they say it in a tone that tricks you into feeling like they are being friendly but really their judging your ass, saying what kind of fucking parent are you?) Well, all I have to say is maybe our world wouldn't be so fucked up if we all had a Paci. Just sayin - is sucking on a pacifier that bad? It's not like I am going to let her walk down the isle with it in her mouth. I'll pull it out right before her dad walks her down! (he he) The only thing negative I have to say about Paci is that when Lilliana was just getting attached to it, we had issues while she was sleeping. It would fall out of her mouth and she would scream for it until we got up and ran in there and popped it back in her mouth. This happened about 5 to 8 times a night for about 4 months until she learned how to put it in her own mouth.
My beautiful girl on Christmas Morning
There's Paci...hanging from her shirt - always close by!
So we (once again I say we but I mean me because Miguel couldn't give a rat's ass) are giving Lilli until 2 and then ripping her Paci away from her. I am pretty sure that it's going to be horrible because I will be used to sleeping through the night by then and then it's going to fuck up our sleep again and with one screaming and yelling in one room, will for sure wake the other one up!
However, the whole entire fucking point of this blog was to point out that I have become the biggest hypocrite in the whole world. I am no longer that non-understanding adult that thinks I know better then everyone else. I am the parent that lets their kid drink cow's milk early, share her bottle with the dog, eat 3 cookies in a row, and have a Paci that we will probably have to bury in the back yard in order to get Lilli off of it. My new motto: Don't knock it until you try it...unless it's drugs of course cause drugs just suck!
Shut the fuck up! Right as I am finishing this blog Sesame Street has Curly Bear who wants to give up her binkie...what the hell?! It's an epidemic - that makes me feel better :)