This past week has been the worse week of my life. On Wednesday, I started spotting and cramping. I was worried because we had just all been sick with the stomach flu. I had a UTI and just got over a yeast infection. This last pregnancy has been rough. Very rough. Most of the pregnancy I was extremely exhausted and somewhat depressed. I was excited to have another baby to cuddle and watch grow. My hormones were just completely out of whack. Around 13 weeks I started feeling weird. My belly wasn't getting hard. My nausea was gone. I had felt no movement, which is common at that stage. I missed my 4 month visit due to the stomach flu and rescheduled for two days later. The day before my 4 month visit is when all hell broke loose. Seriously.
I called Miguel home early due to the bleeding and cramping. My mom came over to watch the girls and we were off to the hospital. I was thinking in my mind. I am just over doing it...I just need to rest. The nurses in the triage were HORRIBLE. They were acting like I shouldn't be there because I was not bleeding heavily and my appointment was the next day. So, they send in a nurse with a doppler. She is pushing and pushing on my belly trying to hear the heartbeat. There are tons of noises going on and she says, "I hear all the right noises, but let's get an ultrasound machine." I knew the baby was low. I have felt like it was super low the entire time. I just thought it was because I have NO stomach muscles at all anymore. The midwife comes in and doesn't know how to use the ultrasound machine. We see baby feet but that's all. One of the doctors from our practice comes in and doesn't know how to use the ultrasound machine. She is trying to zoom and then says, "Jennifer, there is no movement and we don't see a heartbeat." I couldn't breath. I just kept thinking....No...you guys don't know what your doing. Get someone in here that knows what they are doing. So they brought in the high risk doctor.....that didn't know how to use the ultrasound machine (really people.....learn how to use a fucking machine) and she said the same about no movement and she was confident that there was no heartbeat. Really...confident? Wrong choice of words lady.
Then is where the shit really hit the fan. The doctor told me that since I was already 16 weeks along that I would have to deliver that baby either that night or the next day. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and hold my living, breathing babies. I had this feeling that I needed to get out of there right then. They said we could have a final scan the next day at the office and then we could come in and start induction. I was numb. I kept thinking....but this was my baby. I've had 2 babies already...how is this happening?! We were almost half way there....getting excited about finding out the gender next month.
We got to my mom and dad's and I couldn't hug my girls tight enough. Lilli was still sick so I laid in her toddler bed and just listened to her heartbeat. She had a heartbeat. It was strong. Oh, Lord....this is THE toughest thing I have ever been through.
We went to the final scan and found out that the baby was only measuring 11 weeks and 1 day. I did not have to deliver and was somewhat joyous in that moment. I cannot imagine the pain that people have to go through delivering a baby that is not living. I had a D & C on Friday and woke up from it crying. I just felt so empty. Empty physically and emotionally.
It amazes me that this happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies. No one talks about it. I feel like this baby should be celebrated. I heard my baby's heartbeat twice. It was "waving" at us with it's little arm bud at 9 weeks. I feel guilty because we have 2 gorgeous, healthy girls. (Who have made this easier) There are people out there who have miscarriage after miscarriage or can't get pregnant at all. Then I see the pregnant ladies and I was to say - you should thank me because I bit the bullet so that you didn't have to. What a fucking bullet to bite. I cry throughout the day. On and off. Few minutes here, few minutes there. I am trying to keep busy. I have weeded, planted flowers, cut the lawn, organized clothing, done laundry, watched the girls play, sit with my mom, gone shopping - however....I haven't cleaned the toilet....yuck. I have an AMAZING supporting system. We have many family members and friends that are grieving with us.
I can't believe that I won't get to see if this baby had blue eyes like the girls...or if this was the brown eyed child that I have been waiting for. I won't be able to hear it cry or get thrown up on. I will always love this child. This child was conceived in love and will always be loved. I just keep thinking, God needed our baby. For some reason...he needed our baby to put into action some plan. I have to believe that...or else all this pain, suffering, and LOVE is for nothing.
To anyone that has dealt with this loss, you are not alone. Please talk to someone...anyone - don't hold it in. I will cry everyday for this baby until my heart starts to heal. I will even cry in the years to come when this happens to someone we know, or when our due date rolls around. This will be with us forever. It has strengthened the bond between Miguel and I. I thought for sure that we were having a boy and that it was going to look just like Miguel...and I was planning on calling him Miggy even though Miguel didn't want that.
I completely understand the meaning - you don't know what you had until you lost it. Such a shitty way to find out - but I cherish everyone and everything in my life more. We have some many blessings to be thankful for. So many! This helps me....our love for one another, the love of my girls. When Lilli says, "Love you mama." When Charlie runs around the backyard like a maniac. When Bella laughs because she has eaten so much she can't breath. When Rascal kicks his leg when his belly is being scratched. When Miguel hugs me just because I don't even know I need it. So many blessings....that's what keeps me going