Things they don't tell you about toddlers...

There are certain things that people tell you about being pregnant. They don't always share in the gory, horrible details about the aches, pains, and actual happenings of having a child. People will ALWAYS give you their advice whether or not you ask for it. They mention the terrible 2's but it seems a breeze compared to what you hear about puberty. Let me tell you - it's not just the terrible 2's that you have to look out for. It starts as soon as they get the idea of walking = independence. They start exploring and testing....ah, the testing phase. Testing what, you ask? Testing every single fiber of your patience. I never thought I would barter with a toddler...boy was I WRONG!

Here are some things that people don't tell you about having toddlers in your life:

1. These crazed-ass darling children that you have given birth to suddenly get abducted by aliens anytime that you are in public.

2. NEVER paint anything white. White walls are a flashing billboard for crayon drawings. Point in case....all throughout our living room and hallways we painted navy blue on the top half of the walls and white on the bottom - this was before we had children. Now I wish we would have painted everything brown, dark brown.

3. You will cherish nap time. No matter how long or how not-often it happens. You will weep when it does happen.

4. You will repeat yourself 5,786,984,345 times about more things then you care to admit.

5. Be ready for your house to look like a tornado came through. I have actually picked up every single toy, stowed it in it's own bin/basket/box, then watched these monsters take things out and just throw them on the ground, while going for something at the bottom of said container.

6. You might get some entertainment out of those shows they watch. I like Good Luck Charlie....just sayin'.

7. Nothing goes as planned. Nothing. Seriously, nothing.

8. Meltdowns will most likely happen in public, where other dumb ass judgmental people that have been in the same position will shake their heads at you with a frown. Really people? You were in this same situation - bartering with a small child to just make it the rest of the way throw grocery shopping. Just be glad your beasts are grown now.

9. You stop worrying about the fact that your 2 year old will only eat pancakes every day for every meal because it means that she's actually eating. (Yes - they do on hunger strikes)

10. Little girls HATE getting their hair brushed.....maybe it's just mine - but sometimes I am tempted to let a bird fly into that rat's nest just to stop the crying.

11. Potty training is the pits. 4 out of 5 kids have hard time with this transition. I have thought about buying stock in adult diapers....cause it really is NOT worth the fight and struggle. We can approach that topic in another 6 months...always give yourself another 6 months.

12. They grow up way to fast. One day you will look at them sitting on the couch and think when did you get so damn big?

13. Once they learn how to, they will apologize for doing bad things.

14. They will learn something new everyday. It may be how to hop, draw a smiley face, or say their first curse word.

15. They will break your heart. Each. Day. They will change into these little people that think and feel (although don't express it in socially accepted ways). (heartbreaker) Their facial features change from a wrinkly, little worm to round, beautiful faces. (heartbreaker) They say things like, "I love you mama." just out of the blue. (heartbreaker) They walk up and give you hugs just because. (heartbreaker).

They will be the most frustrating, sweet, annoying, loving little people that you will ever deal with. They will amaze you while you pull your hair out. Toddlers are for real, real crazy. They will make you crazy, real crazy. However, you will be a better person because of them. You will realize that things aren't always so horrible. There is a rainbow in every rain cloud. Yet, you will cherish each and every dinner you get to eat warm, without crying!

Nails Schmails

I have been on the hunt for finding some great nail polish options that aren't too expensive, easy to use, and have a long wear life. Since falling off off the nail biting wagon once this year - I am back on track and haven't chewed these nails at all in the last 6 weeks!

I spent $45 smackers on different polishes, gel kits, and polish sticker applications. I have only had the chance to use one of them. This is the Sally Hansen Salon Effects. They are $10 (got them on sale $8) a pack (you get enough for 2 manicures). I put them on last Saturday. We are on day 5 and they still look great!

I must tell you that I am hell on wheels on my nails. I tap them, wash my hands 20+ times a day, do laundry, wash dishes, cook dinner, wipe butts, clean, and whatever else you can think of I do. Worse of all - I pick at them I have been picking at the ends (by my cuticle) for the past couple of days now and they haven't budged! I am amazed that I have been able to have this cute nail design for 5 days. It says they last for 10 and I am half way there so I can tell you by the start of next week if they really stay on for 10 days.

I just painted my nails with a Revlon Red color two days prior to applying these and it started rubbing off the second day. I have found that with top coat my nails seem to just get oily and the paint peels off in chunks. I did put a top coat over this and next time I might try and not just to see what happens. Although at 5 dollars a manicure...it might be more expensive then traditional polish but if it lasts, it might be worth it for once a month or so!

You can't make this shit up...

Today we had a fantastic day at the zoo. However, lots of walking & warm weather causes for little girls and mamas to be tired. Neither one of the girls napped more then 30 minutes today and that is always a recipe for disaster! When we got home I changed Bell and laid her down. Lilli was laying on the couch almost passed out, so I threw her in her bed too. I was sitting in the family room when I hear Bell yelling from her room. I got up, huffed out a breath, and went into her room. The closer I got to her the louder she laughed. I turned on her light and found out why. She took off her diaper and peed all over her bed and herself! GREAT!

So I get her up and throw her in the tub. I am washing her hair when I hear little pitter patter of feet. I turn around to see Lilli. (who should be napping) I say, "Hey pretty girl, wanna take a bath?" She says, "Okay mama." I get her undressed and start to take her diaper off to throw her in with Bell and she says, "Mama poo poo." I look in her diaper and say, "No, baby you didn't poo poo." And I throw her in. She immediately starts yelling, "POO POO!" I look at Bell and she's holding a turd. I about passed out. I grabbed toilet paper and threw that shit (literally) in the toilet. Then I saw another turd floating in the water...what the HELL ISABELLA?!?!?!

I get them both out and drain the water, spray down the tub, and start baths all over again. By this time Lilli is crying, "NO bath." Because, who wants to swim with turds? Isabella is still wishing she had that brown tootsie roll to play with...disgusting little kid. I get them all done, the pee laundry going, and Lilli poops. In her diaper - thank God! I put her on the changing table to clean her up and I see Charlie walk past me, look in the toy chest, pull out a lego and walk out with it. Really - dog STOP eating all the legos!!!

All the while I am typing this, Bella is eating; Rascal is waddling around barking; Charlie is somewhere destroying the lego; and Lilli is yelling she wants pancakes.....off to rope in the wild beast...may the force be with me!

What a wonderful world...

This Friday marks a month since we have lost our little one. Being able to write that and even think about what happened has become easier. I cried most of last week. I would be cleaning or folding laundry and I would just breakdown. Into that nasty, pinched face sobbing. Then I had a break through. I took the girls to the zoo by myself. Bravest thing I've done since I've gotten grocery shopping with them down pat. The zoo is such a larger place then the grocery store. However, they were perfect girls and we had blast. I realized while I was walking (with Bella on my hip, pushing a stroller, and keeping a trained eye on Lilli) that everything is going to be okay. It's completely okay to cry.

Standing there with the sun shining on my face, Lilli playing with the animal masks, and Bella hugging my hip - I felt the touch of the wind. It felt as if someone was just standing besides me and had their arm around me. I knew at that moment that God was there telling me that everything was going to be okay. Tears fell from my face and I smiled. He was telling me that he needed that baby and that he was holding him/her. He always will. I will never forget that sensation. As if I was one with everything. I could hear the kids playing at the playscape down the way. The colors were more vibrant and I could feel each bit of Bella. I squeezed her so tight. She laughed. It's always a game to her. A game to see who can squeeze tighter. Little does she know that I could squeeze onto her and never let her go. While my littles slept, I cried the entire way home. That was the last big cry I have had in over a week.

When my mind drifts off to what would have been, I tear up. Those tears are the good tears. The tears that are made of joy, gratefulness, heartbreak, and loss. You know those tears....we've all had them.

Through this life we learn many things. One - how good family is. I have these amazing children. Who tend to drive me crazy sometimes, but then I think...they're here...I can hold them and tell them I love them. My patience has gotten a better which makes everything much easier. My husband is an incredible human being. I can't even imagine how helpless he felt as I went through all the medical procedures and physical pain. He continually tells me, "I'm here if you need to talk." I am in awe of him. My mother...my poor mama - who didn't even realize how bad she wanted a third grand baby. She's been a good source of distraction and keeping me moving. My dad has dealt with this the worse I think. He was so heartbroken .... although he wouldn't let me see it - my mom told me. My brother and sister-in-law that shed tears across the country because we were in so much pain. My sister in Ohio that was going to drive 4 hours to just be with us.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. We have many friends who called hourly to see how we were doing. Lisa called the day we found out and her tear-filled message is still saved into my voicemail. Tiffanie talked me through everything...letting me know in nurse terms what was happening and why. Melinda made us dinner. Jackie brought us slurpees. Shauna sent me a cheer up cookie. Crystal (whom I haven't seen since high school) since me this beautiful card with a necklace. Tons of women in my Mommies Group prayed for us, thought of us, and mourned our loss. So many people have hugged me and said they were sorry. I have felt each and every word that they have said. This has changed me as a person. I guess that is one of the intentions. One of God's intentions to see the good that would come out of this baby going to heaven before I did.

Through all this....I have learned how good people are. People who don't even know you - but have been through this loss - hug you. I am not the only one. Unfortunately, I won't be the last. But know that no matter what...none of us are ever alone.

My Fit Pal

Thanks to my friend Shauna, I have found the best EVER app! It's called My Fit Pal. This app is completely free and AMAZING. It tracks your calorie intake and helps you get to your goal weight (or if you just want to maintain). It figures out how many calories you get a day depending on how much weight you want to lose. You input what you eat all day long as well as exercise and it tells you how many calories you have left to eat. I have been using it for 3 days and LOVE it! I have never counted calories. It seems kind of daunting when you think about it. That is....without this app! It's super easy and I find myself being more conscious of what I am putting in my mouth. I totally look at some snacks like - hell to the NO I am not wasting calories on you!! Others I am surprised to find aren't high in calories.
Most of the food that you will be eating is already in the database. So you just type in the food, select it from a list, and put in how many servings you are having. If the food is not in their database, you just scan the barcode with your smart phone and all the information pops up! It's amazing! There are lots of items in their database. I just used the scanner for the first time today on Ritz Crackerfuls. Which...are not super high in calories for a snack.
I am planning on trying to lose 1 pound a week. I know that losing weight is hard - hell, everyone knows it's hard! You can link the app up to your facebook account and add friends. They can see your progress and encourage you as you go! It's super awesome. I can't even explain how super awesome it is! If you own a Fit Bit (it's a daily counter of activity) you can sync it with the My Fit Pal app and it adds it into your daily diary! Now if you don't have one of these, you can get them at your local Verizon Wireless store. (My hubby works at the Taylor location!) I don't remember how much they are so that doesn't help you but I am planning on syncing mine this week. (As soon as my hubby finds it!)

We are almost half way through the year and it's so hard to stay on that track of losing weight or keeping it off. I am hopeful with the support of my friends that I will be able to lose 10 pounds and be a healthier me! :) Happy calorie counting!

Sadness...such sadness

This past week has been the worse week of my life. On Wednesday, I started spotting and cramping. I was worried because we had just all been sick with the stomach flu. I had a UTI and just got over a yeast infection. This last pregnancy has been rough. Very rough. Most of the pregnancy I was extremely exhausted and somewhat depressed. I was excited to have another baby to cuddle and watch grow. My hormones were just completely out of whack. Around 13 weeks I started feeling weird. My belly wasn't getting hard. My nausea was gone. I had felt no movement, which is common at that stage. I missed my 4 month visit due to the stomach flu and rescheduled for two days later. The day before my 4 month visit is when all hell broke loose. Seriously.
I called Miguel home early due to the bleeding and cramping. My mom came over to watch the girls and we were off to the hospital. I was thinking in my mind. I am just over doing it...I just need to rest. The nurses in the triage were HORRIBLE. They were acting like I shouldn't be there because I was not bleeding heavily and my appointment was the next day. So, they send in a nurse with a doppler. She is pushing and pushing on my belly trying to hear the heartbeat. There are tons of noises going on and she says, "I hear all the right noises, but let's get an ultrasound machine." I knew the baby was low. I have felt like it was super low the entire time. I just thought it was because I have NO stomach muscles at all anymore. The midwife comes in and doesn't know how to use the ultrasound machine. We see baby feet but that's all. One of the doctors from our practice comes in and doesn't know how to use the ultrasound machine. She is trying to zoom and then says, "Jennifer, there is no movement and we don't see a heartbeat." I couldn't breath. I just kept thinking....No...you guys don't know what your doing. Get someone in here that knows what they are doing. So they brought in the high risk doctor.....that didn't know how to use the ultrasound machine (really people.....learn how to use a fucking machine) and she said the same about no movement and she was confident that there was no heartbeat. Really...confident? Wrong choice of words lady.
Then is where the shit really hit the fan. The doctor told me that since I was already 16 weeks along that I would have to deliver that baby either that night or the next day. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and hold my living, breathing babies. I had this feeling that I needed to get out of there right then. They said we could have a final scan the next day at the office and then we could come in and start induction. I was numb. I kept thinking....but this was my baby. I've had 2 babies already...how is this happening?! We were almost half way there....getting excited about finding out the gender next month.
We got to my mom and dad's and I couldn't hug my girls tight enough. Lilli was still sick so I laid in her toddler bed and just listened to her heartbeat. She had a heartbeat. It was strong. Oh, Lord....this is THE toughest thing I have ever been through.
We went to the final scan and found out that the baby was only measuring 11 weeks and 1 day. I did not have to deliver and was somewhat joyous in that moment. I cannot imagine the pain that people have to go through delivering a baby that is not living. I had a D & C on Friday and woke up from it crying. I just felt so empty. Empty physically and emotionally.
It amazes me that this happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies. No one talks about it. I feel like this baby should be celebrated. I heard my baby's heartbeat twice. It was "waving" at us with it's little arm bud at 9 weeks. I feel guilty because we have 2 gorgeous, healthy girls. (Who have made this easier) There are people out there who have miscarriage after miscarriage or can't get pregnant at all. Then I see the pregnant ladies and I was to say - you should thank me because I bit the bullet so that you didn't have to. What a fucking bullet to bite. I cry throughout the day. On and off. Few minutes here, few minutes there. I am trying to keep busy. I have weeded, planted flowers, cut the lawn, organized clothing, done laundry, watched the girls play, sit with my mom, gone shopping - however....I haven't cleaned the toilet....yuck. I have an AMAZING supporting system. We have many family members and friends that are grieving with us.
I can't believe that I won't get to see if this baby had blue eyes like the girls...or if this was the brown eyed child that I have been waiting for. I won't be able to hear it cry or get thrown up on. I will always love this child. This child was conceived in love and will always be loved. I just keep thinking, God needed our baby. For some reason...he needed our baby to put into action some plan. I have to believe that...or else all this pain, suffering, and LOVE is for nothing.
To anyone that has dealt with this loss, you are not alone. Please talk to someone...anyone - don't hold it in. I will cry everyday for this baby until my heart starts to heal. I will even cry in the years to come when this happens to someone we know, or when our due date rolls around. This will be with us forever. It has strengthened the bond between Miguel and I. I thought for sure that we were having a boy and that it was going to look just like Miguel...and I was planning on calling him Miggy even though Miguel didn't want that.
I completely understand the meaning - you don't know what you had until you lost it. Such a shitty way to find out  - but I cherish everyone and everything in my life more. We have some many blessings to be thankful for. So many! This helps me....our love for one another, the love of my girls. When Lilli says, "Love you mama." When Charlie runs around the backyard like a maniac. When Bella laughs because she has eaten so much she can't breath. When Rascal kicks his leg when his belly is being scratched. When Miguel hugs me just because I don't even know I need it. So many blessings....that's what keeps me going

May is for Mothers!

We are kicking off our 5th month of donations for Everyday Angels: Blessing Bags of Downriver! 

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Everyday Angels: BBofD we are a group of 75+ people who donate to different non-profit organizations each month. We usually get a list of items that are needed and either do a large group donation or make individual 'blessing bags'. We have made 'blessing bags' for our cars to hand out to people that are homeless, a women's & children violence shelter, 242 bags for a headstart, and an animal shelter. 

In May we are donating to The Pregnancy Crisis Center in Lincoln Park. This is a group that is staffed with trained and caring volunteers and operate on donations by individuals and organizations They help whether you are single or married regardless of age, race, gender, or religion. They serve Allen Park, Taylor, Dearborn, parts of Southeast Detroit, Melvindale, Wyandotte, and Southgate. 

I would LOVE to be able to give these people who are in need a BIG donation. What is nice is that they take gently used clothing and big ticket items (bouncers, walkers, etc.). Here is what they would like as donations:

**Diapers....all sizes, especially newborn

**Formula - Enfamil with iron

**Bottles...any kinds and nipples.
Baby food jars any stage and baby cereal.
Baby wipes...

Baby lotions, shampoos, ointments.
Breast pumps...nursing pads.
Cribs...new only.
Crib mattresses....new or used.
Strollers...swings...bouncer chairs...bathtubs
Crib sheets and bassinet sheets

Bassinets ..
Sleepers....from newborn to 2T
Onesies T-shirts all sizes
Outfits...0 to 6 months boy and girl.
Any size pajamas ...
Clothing for sizes 2T 3T 4T

**Urgent Material Need

Let's do all we can to make May a GREAT donation month. 

Donations can be dropped off at our home base at any time. I can meet you if you live far or even come to your house and pick it up if you are in the downriver area. If you even have a sleeper and a jar of food...that can help!

If you would like to join our group, here is a link!

Everyday Angels: BBofD