Saturday, December 22, 2012

Everyone talks about the great things....

Kids are great. They change so many things in your life. They bring such happiness and sleep deprivation into your life it's INCREDIBLE! I can't remember the last time I slept a solid 7 fraking hours....really?! How much sleep does a person actually need to function? I know that the "experts" suggest 8+ hours...but I have been functioning on much less for a while now and I think they may be wrong.

Here's a typical sleepless night in this house. Of course, this sleepless night is brought just to me - not to my snoring bear of a husband who goes lights out the minute his head hits the pillow - the asshole. So, the girls are usually in bed around 8 - 8:30. That's if I can get Bella is stay up that late. Homegirl usually starts falling apart around 6:30 and is trying to sleep anywhere she can lay her head around 7.

There are a couple of wake ups with Lilli. She is in this night terror stage. It SUCKS. She wakes up screaming, sitting up, and completely out of it. I go in there reposition her, give her blankie, and go back to bed. This happens at least once a night.The first time I am up, is the easiest time to fall back asleep. The third and four time - mmm...not so much!

Bella of course is up at least 2 times a night. She usually needs to be rocked back asleep - which totally combats everything I stand by in parenting. This chick is breaking all my rules! {Prime example - The minute Lilli turned 1 the bottle was whisked away without a problem. Isabella is 13 months and she's not giving up the bottle anytime soon.....I see a toddler taking away bottles from new babies in her future.}Most the time I warm a bottle up, yes I said warm and shove it in her mouth and hum her back to sleep. In my mind I know that I am starting HORRIBLE habits, but she is still so small. (that's my conscious talking) She's so small - she still needs to be cuddled. She's got me wrapped. Wrapped so tight - sometimes I don't care if I ever get anymore sleep. S.o.m.e.t.i.m.e.s.

What's even nicer is the fact that they give me about 40-50 minutes between each time they both wake up. It's like they are playing a game. Turds. Once 4 am hits - if either one of them wake up, I am done for. There is no hope of sleeping. What's there to do at 4 am you ask? Watch infomercials, stalk people on Facebook, and read mommy-porn books. Of course, if my eyes aren't too puffy and I can shuffle around I do the dishes and once in a blue moon (since it's still out at that time) I do some laundry.

I would totally lay in bed and act like I was sleeping but there is this man in my bed. This man that can sleep through a hurricane. A man that can sleep 10 hours and wake up yawning and saying he's still tired. A man that hasn't seen a night wake up in over a year and a half. A man that snores so loud, he often rivals the big ass semis that go over the speed bump on Vreeland. A man that I often tug on his pillow and to no avail still snores loudly. It's funny, because it starts out as a semi-loud breathing, then switches to a wheeze/snort, then to full blown out snoring. I have seriously thought about putting my pillow over his face and seeing what happens. I have "accidentally" kicked him. (Which is SO not possible since we have a California King) I do the body flop. Yes, ladies you know this maneuver. Where you flop your body from side-to-side or front-to-back, while huffing and puffing. Any way - this man that I love more then any man in the world....he's the reason why I don't lay there and act like I am sleeping. It's pointless and I just get pissed that he is sleeping and I am not. I could seriously write about my murderous thoughts everyday with his happy-sleeping ass. (Whom is STILL sleeping....we have been up for 2 hours and he's still sleeping!!!)

If it's not the snoring bear - it's the freaking leprechaun in my head that decided it would be a great idea to play the same song over and over again. A song that I usually hate. One that the radio has played out so bad that you start to hate it. That song. And all the sudden, I know every single word. Like I need to be on the game show, "Don't Forget the Lyrics" because I would be the fraking champ. The champ of the world. If it's not a song that the leprechaun is dancing to it's bringing up all the things that I need to get done. Discussing ways to get certain things paid off. Then he tries to hash out what we should do with our tax return. This guy is a dick. He is probably the worse thing to deal with when I can't sleep. He's even worse then the bear laying next to me.

I would just really like to get some real insight on to when to actually expect them to sleep through the night. I know there will be an occasional wake up here and there. However, at what age do they sleep a solid 9 hours during normal times. No more going to bed at 7pm or waking up at 5am. I think I am probably screwed to hope for any more sleep then 5 straight hours. Once they are sleeping through the night - then I will have to worry about them being on the phone at night or sneaking out of the house. Parenting changes your whole life....everyone talks about the great things. Seeing them discover new things, walking for the first time, saying their first words. NO ONE tells you that you will be doing it on 4 hours of sleeping looking like death warmed over!

I do have to share this little eye perk up tip. No - it's not prep-H. Bare Minerals makes this thing called Fully Rested. It's an under-the-eye powder that makes you look like an actual human being. No more zombie face! I have tried a few things. The Garnier thing with the rollie ball. Stuff with caffeine. But this powder works great. I had a bag-less face for the girls' birthday parties last month. Now, that's saying something.

So - if you don't have children, sleep now. Sleep while you can. Sleep until noon on the weekends. Cherish every moment of sleep. Because once they are here. For real.
If you do have children, when does this end? Am I just wishful thinking that before they hit their teens that I may get a night of sleep? How the hell do I get my body to know when to go back to sleep? Damn body!

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